We all need to connect with other human beings, especially when we are in distress or pain. As children, our central connection or attachment is with our parents. As we grow, we learn to connect to others and for many adults, our main connection is with a spouse. The need for connection is legitimate and healthy. It is as strong as our need for food and water.
For many, pornography has become a substitute for real human connection. In their book Love You, Hate the Porn, Dr. Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer write, “The most devastating thing pornography does is come between a man and woman at the worst times and in the worst way. Right at those moments when a person is struggling and in emotionally, pornography offers an alternative–a relationship counterfeit. Pornography becomes something that person can go to for soothing and an illusory sense of connection and vitality. And that, perhaps, is pornography’s real virulence, its ultimate price: When he’s going to it, he’s not going to her.”
Wives often report they knew something was wrong even before they knew about the pornography use. They feel the distance and the emotional detachment, as their spouse turns to something else for comfort and becomes less empathetic with them. The disclosure or discovery of pornography use, or other sexual acting out, by a partner further disrupts this primary connection. The spouse who has just learned of the pornography use feels real betrayal, even if the sexual acting out was “virtual”. And the person who they would normally turn to for comfort, is also the person causing the pain.
Regaining this connection, even the ability to connect, requires significant time and effort from both partners. However, the responsibility for starting this process lies with the person who has been using the pornography. This can be a difficult step, as he is usually very aware of the pain he has caused his partner and she may push away the usual methods of comfort, such as hugs. It is important for him to remember that there are ways he can offer closeness and comfort. He may offer to go on a walk with her, spend more time being involved in family activities, and simply sit with her while she cries. These activities can be difficult, but ultimately rewarding. He can seek professional help and involve his spouse in his treatment. Efforts such as being on time and keeping commitments also take on new meaning as the couple struggles to being the process of building trust.
One study on this issue focused on couples who were involved in 12-step groups for sexual addiction. They found that giving the partner time is essential: ”A key finding in the survey was that the addict must be actively involved in a recovery group for at least a year before the partner is willing to forgive and begin to trust again, even when he or she is also working on their own healing from codependency. We have encountered many addicts who are perplexed, resentful, or impatient because they have been doing “all the right things” for several months and yet their partners are still distrustful, angry, and keep rehearsing the past.” They acknowledge the need for patience in rebuilding trust.
This same study found that “despite enormous past hurts and significant relational, financial, legal, and health problems faced by many of the couples, most were actively working on their marriages and were committed to a future together.” Efforts to provide comfort to the partner are a good start to building trust and show commitment to these important relationships.
Sources:
“Couple Recovery from Sexual Addiction/Coaddiction”, Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 3:111-126, 1996. Jennifer P Schneider, MD and Burton H. Schneider, MA, M.ED.
Love You, Hate the Porn, 2011. Mark Chamberlain, PhD and Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT.
By Jacci Jones, LMFT